Kellbell Squarepants

New Adventures in Psychotherapy

I found out yesterday at my internship that I start seeing clients as soon as next week.  All of my clients are HIV positive, on serious loads of medication, and who cannot get counseling under regular means.  (the staff counselor is booked with a caseload of 25+ patients a week so I cover what she can't see).  The only clients I'm not allowed to see are those who require mental health assessments as I am not qualified to diagnose.  That being said, I'm still required to see these patients, do assessments, treatment plans, and "try" to diagnose.  Huh?   LOL

I'm nervous/excited about it all.  I'll have 10-15 clients that I see on a regular basis.  I'm not worried so much about the assessments.  I've done a ton of them for school on real people and on fictitious ones, so that's not a concern.  I'm more nervous about the actual treatment and creation of a treatment plan.  I'm sure I won't totally screw someone up, but it's intimidating to think that a client will be listening for what I tell them to do.

My first client is self stated anxious, so I'm going to try some cognitive behavioral therapy.  This includes changing thought patterns, maybe including some exercise or breathing techniques, role reversal, stuff like that.  I think that once I'm past the fear factor I will enjoy working with clients and helping them through problems.

School is going well.  Class tonight is cancelled because of ice, so now I have time to read up on my textbooks and start work on some of the papers that I won't have time for later.  The hardest part is finding all the peer reviewed articles to use for references.  The nice part about my first client is that I can tie them to several assignments in two classes, so that really made me feel good.  Another exciting thing is that I have a friend from church who is a professor at my old university (he started after I graduated).  He's a psychology prof and has written a book on ... guess what.... cognitive behavioral therapy!!!  Yay!!!  He said he would sit with me to figure out a treatment plan for my client and help me find ways to get the client to communicate what they expect from treatment.

It's shaping up to be a good (and productive) week.  Stay safe!

And so it begins... again

I've been out of school for about a month now.  I finally graduated in December!!  Now on Tuesday I start all over with my Master's program.  I'm excited and nervous.  It's a new internship, new experiences, new chances to prove what an idiot I am.  hehe just kidding

This internship will be with a non-profit agency that provides services to AIDS patients as well as provides free testing for ANYONE in the county.  I will be working very closely with a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) and be learning group counseling as well as some individual.  I will even have my own clients!!  *gasp*  That really scares me.  LOL  I'm sure I will enjoy it and it will take time for me to get into the gist of things.  But all in all I'm SUPER REALLY SUPER excited about the opportunity.

School will be Tues/Wed nights from about 5pm until 10pm.  Not so super excited about THAT!  The school is an hour's drive, so that means I won't be getting home until about 11pm on those nights.  But my my internship is only 16 hours a week, so I will still be able to have somewhat of a life.

Other than all that, there's not a lot going on.  Carl's grandfather is gravely ill and is not expected to make it.  He just turned 89 in November and has lived a truly AMAZING life.  We're going to go down to Austin this weekend to see him in the nursing home.  Convincing Carl that we needed to go was like pulling teeth.  Fortunately, none of us have work or school on Monday, so we're going down Saturday night and coming back on Monday.  Please keep him and his family in your prayers.  Carl is very close to his grandparents.  He traveled all over the US with them as a child and spent many summers in their company.  I know that losing Pop is going to be tough on him.

Hope everyone is having a good 2009!

Where have I been?

I have been a gone for a while... longer than I had expected to be.  Life is crazy, as usual, but let me give you an update on what's happened since I've been away.

I GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I finally have my BSW degree!  I start my Master's Degree in a few weeks which means a whole new internship, but not like this last time around.  This time I only have to work 2 days a week (16 hours) instead of a full week (32+ hours) for free.  LOL  I have been trying to find work, but my degree has not been conferred yet (should have it by Jan 17th) so I cannot get my license until the degree "shows" on my transcripts.

Julia had her second birthday a few days ago.  She is an absolute terror these days.  Screaming fits before bed, teething, whining, it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out and there were a few nights I had to go try to sleep in the car because I just couldn't take the screaming.  My problem is that if I don't get away from it, I will cave and let her out of bed just to stop the screaming.  Oh... and yesterday morning she learned how to get out of the crib.  *sigh*  My life as I know it will be forever changed.

Aubrey was going through a very difficult time.  She came home one night with the youth director from church.  The youth director told me that Aubrey had been cutting herself.  It was nothing serious... she hadn't broken the skin or bled, but it was pretty serious to me.  The holidays are always a hard time for her when it comes to thinking about her dad.  She was telling people how "bad" her life was.  It really hurt me... because her life is not that bad.  I mean... we all know how teenagers are and how they think their life sucks.  But this was bad enough that she wanted to hurt herself about it.  It was a nightmare.  Fortunately, I have great resources available to me since I did go to school for social work.  :)  Aubrey is now in crisis counseling and after the first few visits I can see a difference.  She's back to smiling and laughing and being happy.

Christmas I spent in bed because I was sick.  Don't think I ever really shook it because this morning I'm coughing again and have a MASSIVE headache.  Carl had laryngitis for about a week.  The baby has been coughing for several weeks.  And this morning at about 1:00 am Aubrey told me she got sick all over the bathroom floor.  I saved that lovliness for this morning.

Oh!  Carl started a new job for a non-profit here in town.  No more stress dealing with a job he hates.  I will write more about that later.  I need coffee, some Tylenol, and a nap.

Finally some time

Life is crazy as usual, but this time in a good way.  I am really loving my internship.  It is mentally, emotionally, and physically rewarding on so many levels.  I guess because I finally know, for the first time in my life, what the hell I'm doing.  I can't tell you what a great feeling THAT is.

I also finally have a morning to myself.  I took little girl and Aubrey to school this morning and then had the luxury to come home and have some few quiet moments.  I'm listening to my iTunes now and struck with some emotions.  Isn't it funny how songs you haven't heard in a very long time can almost transport you back in time.  The Indigo Girls do that for me.  They remind me of a time when my life was hanging by a thread of hope and despair at the same time.  But now I can listen and see how far I've come from that time in my life.  It's a good feeling.

I was on Faceb00k last night and found an old high school pal.  ZOMG he's a total babe still to this day.  I about fell over when I saw his picture.  LOL  Time has sure been kind to him (and my eyes).  I wish I looked that good 25 years after high school. 

Even though I have the time, I have a bunch of other stuff I need to get done around here.  Have to run to the bank, do some laundry, and try to get myself together for class this afternoon.  I miss you guys and I'll try to be better about posting.

xoxoxo

Tired

Okay so this being back in the "real world" thing is making me very tired.  I started my internship yesterday and I'm in for a lot of work.  I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to pull it off, but I think if I pace myself I might do okay.

I sat in on a court case yesterday and there will be many more court cases to come.  I'm working in the guardianship division, so we're dealing with people who do not have the capacity to take care of themselves and need a guardian to make decisions for them.  After only a few court cases, I'm already seeing a pattern.

1.  "I don't like to visit him/her because it bums me out."  Ummmm imagine how it is for your biological CHILD that only sees you once or twice a year instead of the court mandated once a month!

2.  "My child doesn't recognize me and that makes me upset."  Ummmmm perhaps if you were to increase the number of visits from onde or twice a year to the court mandated once a month or *gasp* more than that, your child might recognize you.  Just because someone doesn't function on the same developmental level as other people doesn't mean they can't recognize familiar faces or surroundings.

I know that's only two things, but I don't want to start off my day feeling like all people are selfish and stupid.  There are good people out there, good guardians, good parents.  It's just really disappointing to hear the arguments of people who would just rather get on with their lives than have to be responsible in court mandated ways for their child.

Bored

I got this from Stephie. You can only use two words to answer each question.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Kitchen Table

2. Your significant other?
sweet kind

3. Your hair?
plain brown

4. Your brothers?
ass-holes (is that 2 words?)

5. Your sisters?
big bitches

6. Your favorite thing?
my girls

7. Your dream last night?
Colonel Clinck

8. Your favorite beverage?
anything cold

9. Your dream/goal?
social worker

10. The room you're in?
messy office

11. Your ex?
he's dead

12. Your fear?
being alone

13. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
licensed professional

14. Where were you last night?
at home

15. What you're not?
material girl

16. Muffins?
hot buttered

17. One of your wish list items?
new kitchen

18. Where you grew up?
Beaver Dam

19. The last thing you did?
brushed hair

20. What are you wearing?
jeans tshirt

21. Your TV?
is off

22. Your pets?
dumb inbred

23. Your computer?
kickass fast

24. Your life?
crazy good

25. Your mood?
sleepy worried

26. Missing someone?
not sure

28. Something you're not wearing?
shoes, deoderant

29. Favorite Place?
anywhere quiet

30. Your summer?
hot humid

31. Love someone?
my family

32. Your favorite colors?
green, yellow

33. Last time you laughed
last night

34. Last time you cried?
last week

35. Who will repost this?
no  one

Two Weeks From Hell

I have had the most stressful two weeks I think I've had since Aubrey's dad died just before the wedding. 

I'm off the medicine by the way.  I started having panic attacks and was not able to function in a house with a screaming baby, a doting husband, and an angsty teenager.  I wanted to run away to somewhere quiet.  So I'm off the medicine, but still trying to walk every day.  And wouldn't you know it.... we've had rain storms for the past 4 days.  I'm not complaining.  We badly need the rain, but this happens every time I try to add walking to my routine.  So now I'm on the eliptical, which I can't yet do for nearly as long as walking, but it gets my heart rate up.  And I've noticed my face thinning out, so that's a good validation for keeping at it (along with my heart problem).  It's nice to see some changes.

My financial aid at school was audited by the IRS (randomly), so my payment will be almost a month late.  Once again, if I hadn't gone looking I would have never known and would have had one more reason to be stressed.  I had to choose between making my first school payment and paying our electric bill though.  That wasn't a fun choice.  I will still pay the electric bill but it will be a day or two late.  I hope they don't cut the power.  I can't pay it until next Wednesday the 27th and that's the day it's due.  I'll be working then so not sure if I'll be able to bring the payment directly to them or not.  *sigh*  I've had just about enough of this shit.  It's time for some normal, quiet, end of summer relaxation.  NO MORE DRAMA PLEASE.

Ok all that being said, it's time to bring the baby to preschool and get to walking.

Revelations

I wouldn't say that I'm a religious person.  I'm spiritual.  When I pray I'm not afraid to ask for things, but I'm afraid of how they will be given to me!!  LOL  As a lot of you know, I'm the quest to shed some pounds, so I have been praying about it ... asking for motivation and strength as well as will power.  Well, yesterday I got all the motivation I need.

The doctor called me with the results of all my blood tests.  My pap smear was clear, no STDs, I'm not pregnant, excellent cholesterol levels, no problems with my thyroid, and my blood pressure was great.  HOWEVER, enzymes in my blood indicate that I have 17% swelling of my heart.  :/  This is not life threatening now, thank goodness, but it does mean that I have to buckle down and start making some changes.

Since I started the medication, I have been pretty jittery.  I don't like that feeling.  But today I woke up after finally sleeping all night.  I was up at 4:00 am.  I got up, took my pill, and went back to bed for an hour.  I got up at 5:00 with Carl and we goofed on the computer.  When the baby woke up, I changed her and dressed her.  She had breakfast and then we had a 30 minute walk.  It was really great.  The sky is overcast and there's a cool breeze.  It was still humid, but that breeze felt so good hitting my sweaty face.

So, the lesson kids is to be careful how you ask for things to happen to you.  I guess it's almost the same as being careful what you wish for because you might get it.  I think that we can have anything we truly desire, but me... I need the courage to accept how it's going to happen to me.  I've learned that the things I want sometimes come at a cost I hadn't considered. 

I'm not thankful for the swollen heart, but honestly... I wonder if my health weren't threatened... would I have been as motivated to make the changes?  Hmmm.  I'll have to think on that a while.

Drug User

I went to the doctor yesterday only to discover that I weigh more than I ever have my whole life.  I was not happy.  However, I did ask for some help because while only part of it is that I'm a lazy fat ass, the other part of it is that my hormones are getting off kilter because I'm getting older and now that I'm 40 it's not quite so easy to lose that weight.  So, with a little help from a controlled substance otherwise known as Speed, I'm now officially a drug user.  Nice eh?  I took the first one this morning and I'm supposed to log my "reaction" to it.  It's an amphetamine, so I should be bouncing off the walls soon enough.  I'll report in later.

Rites of Passage

I remember the first day I took Aubrey to school.  She cried, I cried, everyone was crying.  It's a rite of passage for parents and their kids.  With me getting ready to start my internship, I have moved into a new right of passage.  Yesterday I took Julia for her first day of Preschool.  She didn't shed a tear, didn't look back and wave, and blew no kisses.  When she saw all those other little kids, she hit the ground running.

I have to admit that I did cry.  I didn't blubber like I did on Aubrey's first day of school.  But my eyes did fill up and I fought them off.  I had Aubrey with me and told her how hard it is to see such a little girl already so independent of her mommy.  It was tough.  But I headed off to the Middle School to drop Aubrey off and band and then I headed off to the cafeteria to volunteer for the schedule pick up and registration for the new fall school year. 

All day long people kept asking me if I'd called the preschool to check up on the baby.  The only phonecall I made was to my own home phone to make sure they hadn't tried to call me.  Of course they hadn't.  And I was able to resist the urge to call all day long.  It was a hard fight for me, but in the end I was able to hold off and not call.

When your mind is on other things, it's easy to get suckered into other volunteer committments and I found myself being nominated the treasurer for the PTA.  LOL  It's a good thing I came out of my stupor before they made me the president or vice president!  I don't know ANYone at that school other than a few of my professors from college who have kids the same age as Aubrey and serve on PTA.  So yeah, I'm now treasurer.  Hopefully it won't be too bad and I don't think it will be too much of a big deal since I'm not doing Girl Scouts this year.  Let's hope so anyway.

After the volunteer time at school, Aubrey and I went to pick up Miss J who was ready to come home.  She was so happy to see us and came running at us.  Before we even said "goodbye" to anyone she was waving bye bye and blowing kisses to everyone.  A darling little boy blew her a kiss and then put his face down in his hands like the was embarrassed.  It was cute.

This morning Julia wouldn't even touch her bottle.  She kept saying "bye bye" so I grabbed her bottle and took her off to school.  They're having pancakes for breakfast... no wonder she was so ready to go.