A Little Piece of Courage

The brother-in-law of a friend of mine has inoperable testicular cancer.  He's been given 6 months to a year to live.  He and his wife just had a baby a couple months ago.  I can't even imagine how his wife is feeling.  My friend tells me that she is "stoic" and that her attitude will come to bite her in the ass eventually.  I was really disturbed by that statement.  Everyone deals with grief in their own way.  Maybe the wife feels she has to be strong right now.  She's a new mother and her husband is dying.  Cut the woman some slack for fucks sake.  YOU are her family and you're upset because she is being strong right now?  My Lord.  I shake my head and wonder how I attract people like this into my life.  This is the same one who says that therapy is bunk.  Yesterday I said I wasn't going to talk about her but I need to and I'm sure she doesn't read this.  No one in my real life knows about it.  Well, Carl does, but he doesn't read it.

This woman is pregnant and has turned into a real preggozilla.  For the longest time she has been trying to have a baby and since she's become pregnant her entire personality has changed.  She is downright mean towards not only her husband, but men in general.  She suggested to me that perhaps Carl was the reason for my depression... that his unhappiness with his job was rubbing off on me.  She said that her husband brings her down.  This is the woman who wants me to get out of the house to make me feel better.  Honestly, I just don't like being around her right now.  I would die if she read this, but I can't say these things to her because I know it's just because she's pregnant.  I don't think she knows that she's being abrasive or that she hurts my feelings sometimes with the things she says.  She's a few years younger than me but she's worldly and has been lots of places I haven't.  She's traveled the world and I suppose that's enough to make someone think they know more than you do.

Ugggg I feel like a horrible friend now, but I do feel better for saying some things "outloud" to someone.  I have learned that I'm not good with confrontation because if I'm hurting, I tend to be a little too blunt and hurt the person more than they hurt me to begin with.  But I've been told that because I can be blunt, that I'm good at helping other people.  I just need to keep my personal feelings out of it so being a therapist is a perfect career (or so my counselors tell me)!

Aubrey spent the night with a friend last night.  It's the weirdest thing just having the baby here with me.  Not that I forget I have another child, but with just the baby here I'm sometimes taken back in time to when it was just Aubrey and I.  I wasn't allowed to go out with her.  The ex would take the car seat so I couldn't leave the house.  He didn't like me to take walks with her, or to have friends.  It was really strange for me.  I was a very outgoing person.  Being locked away like that... having to give him receipts for any money I spent... it changed me and forced me to withdraw inside.  A part of me died when I was with him, but having Aubrey also made a new part of me grow.  Because of her I was able to surpass those feelings of feeling trapped and locked in a loveless relationship that was bringing me nowhere but down.  She gave me the courage I needed to change my life.

Now here I am with a new little life.  A new part of me.  I am not trapped but she helps me see a whole new world in front of me.  I have been able to do things I never saw myself doing before.  This time next year I will be a college graduate.  I will be ready to start a Master's degree!  I can hardly believe all the things that have happened to me since I met Carl.  He's taken me places in the world and in my life I've never expected to see.  And he's given me this new little, beautiful piece of courage.

Comments

[stepfordtart]

I cant think of anything helpful to say. Have a hug instead. ((hug)) s x

[Kat]

Everyone deals with death in their own way. Some folks wear their pain on their sleeves, while others only let it out when they are alone.

[boxx]

"Everyone deals with grief in their own way" True, but we all have to go thru the same stages and there's no skipping or you get stuck and can't move on. been there. done that.