Better Left Unsaid

Have you ever had thoughts that made you think you must be crazy?  I once read somewhere that Stephen King gets ideas for his books by imagining the most horrible thing that could happen to his family.  I don't sit and think on purpose about awful things happening to my family.  I WORRY about awful things happening to my family and I think to myself "is this what those mothers that drown their kids think???"  *shudder* 

I sometimes crave times for Carl to take the kids and go away for the weekend.  When those times happen, I worry about them traveling and something happening to them.  I think the real fear is for me being alone without them forever.  Everyone craves some alone time every now and then.  Even those of us who hate to be alone crave a LITTLE alone time. 

These kinds of things added to my depression make me wonder sometimes if I'm going nuts.  I don't read over the DSM-4 or anything.  I don't self diagnose.  I don't compare myself to textbook cases.  Perhaps I'm just worrying TOO much since I'm working in the mental health stuff in school.  Right?  LOL  Please tell me that it makes sense.

Someone in my real life has been totally annoying me and I can't get them to back off.  I can't say too much because I don't know if she reads this and if I say anything it will be way to easy to identify that person.  I have tried many nice ways to let her know that right now I just need to take care of myself and my family.  Being here at home and doing domestic things (or doing nothing at all) is comforting to me.  My feelings of inadequacy and not fitting in other places in my life do not lend me to socializing or going out of the house to do things.  I do things with my family if I want to go out because that is the one place I feel confident and adequate.  I wish I could get people to understand that.  I'm not a hermit or anything.  I can go to the grocery store or to the library or wherever by myself.  I'm not "afraid" of going out, I just don't really want to.  I hear all the time "if you'd just get out you'd feel better."  I do get out.  it's frustrating not being able to convey what I want or need for myself.

LOL  Well I just did that here didn't I?  Ugggg  I need to get better at communicating with people with my voice instead of writing in a secret diary somewhere huh?

I've been thinking more and more about graduate school.  I would really like to just keep going and finish but I really think I need to work.  Maybe I can do both, but with the baby I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.  Everyone tells me "well you went to school pregnant and you did that" but being pregnant (carrying the baby around inside you) is way different than having the baby OUTside your body.  LOL  Because I'm in an accellerated program at school, the master's program will only take a year instead of two.  I have another year to think about it.  If any of you have done this I could use some insight or advice.  Carl's mom (who is a career counselor) is telling me to go for the masters.  She did it, but not with kids.  I'd like to hear about someone who has done it that does have kids.

Aubrey has been having a blast with her Wii.  Her friend, Picky Eater, is so jealous.  LOL  She calls here at 9:30 every day and every day I have to tell her "Aubrey is still sleeping."  Picky Eater wants to come over and play Wii.  Yesterday Aubrey had to tell her "I think we need a break."  LOL  I'm glad to see that Aubrey is beginning to be able to tell people what she thinks and needs.  That makes me feel good.  Maybe I should ask her for lessons?  LOL

Well, Juju is getting mad in her swing so I guess I should let her out for a while.  Maybe her diaper needs changing.  Have a great day.

Comments

[stepfordtart]

I love that Aubrey has a friend called Picky Eater. Thats a popular name amongst Jooj's friends too! I bet she's real fun to have over for sleepovers and stuff, huh? ; ) s x

[Smash]

You're not goin mad dear, you're stressed is all. You need some "me" time. Come over to the UK and I'll sort ya out. Wait... I didn't mean that like it sounded... hehe. Smashxxx