Personal Responisbility

There comes a time when you have to step up and take some personal responsibility.  I have been feeling bad long enough and it's about time that I do something about it.  I have to quit only going half way.  I've turned into a lazy lard ass and I'm really sick of it.  I've been dieting for the last two months but making very poor excuses for not exercising.  So needless to say I have been spending a lot of money to buy food that's good for me only to be maintaining my current weight and losing it very slowly causing me to get very mad and down on myself.  That is stopping now.

I often find myself frustrated with people who have the tools to make the changes in their lives.  The tools are right in front of them and their refusal to use them frustrates me.  I have become one of those people.  As a future social worker I can't let these frustrations blind me.  I should be an example for those people.  I should be able to look at myself now and understand why those people don't take the opportunities that exist for them in their worlds.  I am one of those people.

So now I need to sit back and think hard why I have become my own worst enemy.  I need to learn how to ask for help.  I'm not the only person in this house.  I can ask for help with the baby and no longer use the excuse that because I have a baby I can't exercise.  That's a rediculous excuse.  I'm not a single parent.  I have help available to me and I need to utilize it.

I have been shutting myself off from people for a while now.  I'm ashamed of what a lazy lard ass I've become.  I'm not the biggest I've ever been.  That was just before I had the baby.  Thankfully I lost about 30 lbs when I had her and that was a good start, but I've gained about 10 of that back and I need to get back on track.  My clothes don't fit anymore, I'm ashamed to go out with my family because they look so good and I look like crap.  I'm ashamed to be intimate with my husband because I can't stand the way I look and feel.  So I'm going to do something about it.  Today I'm starting my food log page along with my exercise page where I will record everything I eat and the type of exercise I do for that day. 

I don't know what to do about my antisocial behavior.  I just feel annoyed with some people and I don't know how to resolve that part.  Why I'm annoyed with some of them I don't know.  I shouldn't say SOME I'm a bit annoyed with people in my real life in general.  My online buds seem to understand me more than most people in my real life (that does not include Carl... he's very understanding and supportive).  Perhaps it's because here I can express myself freely without expectation of being someone that you guys know me to be.  I don't have to look you in the eye when I say what I'm thinking and feeling.  I don't have to worry about what you think of me because afterall you just quit reading me and I wouldn't hear from you again... people in real life I still have to see at church or wherever.   I guess that's it.

Well, that's what's been bothering me for a while now.  I just hope I can keep up the motivation to succeed.  I hate feeling like a loser.

Comments

[Stepfie]

Re: your note. You kind of get used to the stalker shit after ten years, and at least I know who he is and where he lives, its not like its a random stranger stalking me. Thanks for the virtual hugs tho, and some for yerself! ((hugs)) s x