Kellbell Squarepants

Didn't Make The Cut

Last weekend I was in the grocery store in a small town buying a cake for Aubrey's birthday.  I was in the baby isle lookiing for sunscreen when I saw a product called Wet (personal flavored lubricant).  I was telling Carl about this... and how it was in the BABY isle of all places and he asked me what flavors there were.  I didn't really know so I said "pizza".  He snorted and that got me to thinking about all the flavors that didn't make it for a flavored personal lubricant.  Here are some of my (and Carl's) favorites.

Flavors That Didn't Make The Cut (or pass the taste test)

1. Peanut Butter
2. Pizza
3. Sour Cream & Onion
4. Tuna (or any fish... because how could you tell?)
5. BBQ
6. Ham & Cheese
7. Nacho Cheese
8. Flaming Hot
9. Sea Salt
10. Vinegar

Where has our compassion gone?

I talk a lot about my "friend" and how mean she's become, but lately I have noticed a growing trend among people to be just a little more harsh, blunt, and sometimes mean. 

Friends of mine at church are going through some tough times in their marriage.  They both have emotional problems including anxiety and depression due to some events in their lives (including both of them losing their jobs and almost losing their home).  The wife is now back to work and working hard at coming out of her "slump".  Admittedly, she is not very reliable to ask for help with things (I found this out the hard way), but she has a lot to deal with.   Her husband, who has made a career out of delivering pizzas, has no drive to do much of anything but sit at home.  That's a sign of depression.  His wife is going crazy trying to pay for everything with her small wage job and has told him repeatedly that he needs to find a job to help out.  Well, he hasn't and now she's left him.

My story about hardening of hearts isn't about the wife.  It's about the people on the outside giving her advice and making comments about the husband.  "He needs to get a job or she should just leave him."  "She needs to just dump his ass and move on."  What they don't know is that he has been asking his wife to attend marriage counseling and she has refused.  They have both been in and out of the hospital over the past two months for serious depression.  My favorite comment came from my "friend" (surprise surprise) "If it were me and I had to get a job to save my marriage I'd be all over it."  This from someone who doesn't work... whose husband is struggling at a job he hates to be able to afford to let her stay at home.  I'm not judging here... just pointing out the hypocracy.

I feel for my married friends.  I know what it's like to be depressed and have no feeling of worth to your life.  Sometimes it doesn't even seem real... the life you live... until the pain hits.  Pain makes it real.  TWO people living this way has to be utterly unbearable.  I feel for both of them.  I'm sad that the wife doesn't want marriage counseling and left.  I'm sad that the husband is stuck in a place where he can't even get a job to save his marriage.  It all makes me sad.

I have tried to make a conscious effort to keep my judgemental thoughts to myself before I ever speak them out loud again.  I have a handwritten journal that I have started and that is where I vent.  I'm going to try to give up my evil ways kids because it would rip my heart out to ever hear people making comments about me like they do about my married friends.

Thirteen

My little girl is growing up so fast.  Aubrey will be thirteen on Monday and this weekend we're taking two of her friends to the lakehouse to celebrate.  I have a bunch of board games and there will be canoeing and girly stuff going on.  Carl's mom even has a small guest quarters called the Bear's Den where the girls will stay.  It't a big room with a pull out sofa, tv, and its own bathroom.  I'm sure they will have a blast out there without keeping the adults (and Julia) awake all night!  :)

I can't believe that it's been thirteen years.  Jacques Chirac was elected president of France, the OJ white car chase was going on, and the Oklahoma City bombing are just a couple things that happened while I was pregnant with her.  I should go look at her baby book again and see what else I wrote down.

In any case, Aubrey is getting taller every day.  She's about to pass me up in height (which if you've met me isn't saying much I guess).  I just hope that she is happy with her teenage years (despite the mandatory angst) and doesn't think too poorly of her parents who love her.

Is her name really Karen?

I go for very long periods of time without thinking about him at all.  Then one night I have a dream, I wake up crying, and the pain is all fresh and new again.  I wonder how he is.  I wonder what life would have been like.  And even though I know leaving him and marrying Carl was the best thing I could have done, I still wonder.  Because deep down I know I still love him.  I still care and think about him.  The dream was about me living with both he and Carl.  And his kids were with us.  I remember getting down on my knees and talking to them about something... saying I was sorry if I ever did anything that made them upset about their dad and me.  And then I remember hearing him on the phone... to some woman named Karen... talking to her like he used to talk to me.  And I cried.  I woke up crying.

I fell back asleep and this time we were out and about somewhere and I had lost my purse.  I was upset because I had some credit cards in there that I was holding for him so he wouldn't use them.  And I was upset because I didn't know which cards I had and wouldn't be able to remember anything to cancel them.  I went inside the restaurant and found my purse.  When I came out of the restaurant he was back on the phone with Karen talking to her like he used to talk to me.   I cried.  I woke up crying.

I know that is what life with him probably would have been like.  I get fat and dumpy and he takes up with someone younger and more attractive.  Although he was already 9 years older than me, so how much younger than me could that old man find?  ;-)  hehe  It's just a dream, but when these dreams happen it makes me curious about how he's doing.  If he's still with that woman he was last living with.  I don't know her name, wouldn't it be weird if it was Karen?

My So-Called "Friend"

So today at church, my "friend" said to me "Isn't that what you wore to church LAST Sunday?"

What I said "Well, yes but this is my only really nice outfit that I like to wear to church."

What I wanted to say "Well, I've put on some weight I'm a little new to being obese.  You've have a longer time to adjust than I have."

Grrrrrrrrrr

A little angry

Yes Smash, she is ignorant, but she's intelligent so that makes it worse.  It's almost like she says and does things sometimes to see what it does to me.  She's the one that returned clothes to me (after I told her to pass them on to someone else) because they said things on them like "Daddy's Girl" or "Cute" or whatever.  She didn't want her baby to "get a complex".  But I guess returning the clothes to me provided her a way to let me know that I'm a shitty mom and she's a fantastic one because she doesn't dress her child the way I dress mine, uh? 

There are two girls at church who are pregnant and I'm having a baby shower for them.  She got pissed off about that too.  I'm feeling just total ugliness about the whole thing and don't want to invite her.  She tried to schedule the church sponsored shower (which she is hosting) on the same day as my shower.  She called me a while ago and said that since I was hosting a joint shower for the two girls that she didn't think I wanted to help plan the church sponsored one.  Well she was right because if SHE is sponsoring it (or involved) I'm better off not being involved.  Anyway, they will not be on the same day and I will make sure I'm out of town for her event.  grrrrrrr

She told someone at church that my house is dirty and that she doesn't like to bring her baby over here.  My house might be chaotic, but it is NOT dirty.  I guess because I'm not Ms. Perfect with everything in place like a museum that she thinks it's dirty.  I can't wait until her kid starts walking and breaking everything.  another grrrrrrr

Yeah, so I'm angry.  But I'm thinner than she is .. and not pregnant again... and about to start a really great internship :)  hehe

Been a long time

It has been a really long time since I updated.  Not sure why really... I've had lots of things going on.  More or less I think I'm afraid of complaining all the time.  I've been having some frustrations with a relationship and having these ugly feelings that I thought might be better not to put down on paper.

Carl and I are "friends" with a couple who are a few years younger than we are.  I love the husband, but ever since the wife had a baby she has changed.  I don't just mean "normal" changes... I mean you have kids and your life fundamentally changes.  I'm talking about changes that make me rethink who she really is as a person.  And these changes don't exactly make me want to be around her. 

We were talking the other day about a movie "For The Bible Tells Me So" about GLBT issues and families that were very "religious" and dealing with issues of their sons and daughters announcing that they were gay.  If anyone else has seen it please let me know because the issue I had with this "friend" has to do with a particular part of the movie.  Basically, a husband and wife drop everything to support their gay son in his struggles.  They become very politically active and outspoken critics of the church and people who discriminate against GLBT persons.  I thought it was really great... two people who had never really done anything outspoken in their lives turn around and rally around their son... going on the road with him... supporting him in everything.  My "friend" said that she thought it was "sad" (!!!) because they saw their son as "gay" and not just their son.  "He should be their SON... not their GAY son."

I went on to say that I didn't see it that way.  They were supporting their son and rallying around him... fighting discrimination... protecting him from the harm of the world.  I thought it was incredibly motivating and cool.  She went on to tell me that she and her husband have two "lesbian friends" and that first and foremost they are lesbians first.. then professionals... then women.  She doesn't think that anyone should be anything before they are who they are.  (her words not mine)  I think what she means is that first they should be women.

I pointed out that she had called them her "lesbian friends" not her "friends who are lesbian".  I also pointed out that I myself don't think of myself as "Kelly" first.  Sometimes I'm Aubrey and Julia's mom, sometimes I'm Carl's wife, or Ginny's daughter.  I think that by saying it's bad for a woman to think of herself first as a lesbian is a pretty narrow minded point of view.  She came back with "Yeah but you're not heterosexual Carl's wife."  *sigh*

This is just one example of what bothers me.  When she had her baby, as lots of women do, she became very idealistic.  She has a "plan" of how things are supposed to be.  I think we all do that until we learn that life does not always go according to "plan" (and neither do children). 

She is pregnant again.  I literally cringed when she told me, but then I thought that it will really be a challenge for her.  My pastor tells me that when I'm not getting along with people to try and see myself in them.  I'm trying really hard.