Kellbell Squarepants

Tired

Okay so this being back in the "real world" thing is making me very tired.  I started my internship yesterday and I'm in for a lot of work.  I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to pull it off, but I think if I pace myself I might do okay.

I sat in on a court case yesterday and there will be many more court cases to come.  I'm working in the guardianship division, so we're dealing with people who do not have the capacity to take care of themselves and need a guardian to make decisions for them.  After only a few court cases, I'm already seeing a pattern.

1.  "I don't like to visit him/her because it bums me out."  Ummmm imagine how it is for your biological CHILD that only sees you once or twice a year instead of the court mandated once a month!

2.  "My child doesn't recognize me and that makes me upset."  Ummmmm perhaps if you were to increase the number of visits from onde or twice a year to the court mandated once a month or *gasp* more than that, your child might recognize you.  Just because someone doesn't function on the same developmental level as other people doesn't mean they can't recognize familiar faces or surroundings.

I know that's only two things, but I don't want to start off my day feeling like all people are selfish and stupid.  There are good people out there, good guardians, good parents.  It's just really disappointing to hear the arguments of people who would just rather get on with their lives than have to be responsible in court mandated ways for their child.

Bored

I got this from Stephie. You can only use two words to answer each question.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Kitchen Table

2. Your significant other?
sweet kind

3. Your hair?
plain brown

4. Your brothers?
ass-holes (is that 2 words?)

5. Your sisters?
big bitches

6. Your favorite thing?
my girls

7. Your dream last night?
Colonel Clinck

8. Your favorite beverage?
anything cold

9. Your dream/goal?
social worker

10. The room you're in?
messy office

11. Your ex?
he's dead

12. Your fear?
being alone

13. Where do you want to be in 10 years?
licensed professional

14. Where were you last night?
at home

15. What you're not?
material girl

16. Muffins?
hot buttered

17. One of your wish list items?
new kitchen

18. Where you grew up?
Beaver Dam

19. The last thing you did?
brushed hair

20. What are you wearing?
jeans tshirt

21. Your TV?
is off

22. Your pets?
dumb inbred

23. Your computer?
kickass fast

24. Your life?
crazy good

25. Your mood?
sleepy worried

26. Missing someone?
not sure

28. Something you're not wearing?
shoes, deoderant

29. Favorite Place?
anywhere quiet

30. Your summer?
hot humid

31. Love someone?
my family

32. Your favorite colors?
green, yellow

33. Last time you laughed
last night

34. Last time you cried?
last week

35. Who will repost this?
no  one

Two Weeks From Hell

I have had the most stressful two weeks I think I've had since Aubrey's dad died just before the wedding. 

I'm off the medicine by the way.  I started having panic attacks and was not able to function in a house with a screaming baby, a doting husband, and an angsty teenager.  I wanted to run away to somewhere quiet.  So I'm off the medicine, but still trying to walk every day.  And wouldn't you know it.... we've had rain storms for the past 4 days.  I'm not complaining.  We badly need the rain, but this happens every time I try to add walking to my routine.  So now I'm on the eliptical, which I can't yet do for nearly as long as walking, but it gets my heart rate up.  And I've noticed my face thinning out, so that's a good validation for keeping at it (along with my heart problem).  It's nice to see some changes.

My financial aid at school was audited by the IRS (randomly), so my payment will be almost a month late.  Once again, if I hadn't gone looking I would have never known and would have had one more reason to be stressed.  I had to choose between making my first school payment and paying our electric bill though.  That wasn't a fun choice.  I will still pay the electric bill but it will be a day or two late.  I hope they don't cut the power.  I can't pay it until next Wednesday the 27th and that's the day it's due.  I'll be working then so not sure if I'll be able to bring the payment directly to them or not.  *sigh*  I've had just about enough of this shit.  It's time for some normal, quiet, end of summer relaxation.  NO MORE DRAMA PLEASE.

Ok all that being said, it's time to bring the baby to preschool and get to walking.

Revelations

I wouldn't say that I'm a religious person.  I'm spiritual.  When I pray I'm not afraid to ask for things, but I'm afraid of how they will be given to me!!  LOL  As a lot of you know, I'm the quest to shed some pounds, so I have been praying about it ... asking for motivation and strength as well as will power.  Well, yesterday I got all the motivation I need.

The doctor called me with the results of all my blood tests.  My pap smear was clear, no STDs, I'm not pregnant, excellent cholesterol levels, no problems with my thyroid, and my blood pressure was great.  HOWEVER, enzymes in my blood indicate that I have 17% swelling of my heart.  :/  This is not life threatening now, thank goodness, but it does mean that I have to buckle down and start making some changes.

Since I started the medication, I have been pretty jittery.  I don't like that feeling.  But today I woke up after finally sleeping all night.  I was up at 4:00 am.  I got up, took my pill, and went back to bed for an hour.  I got up at 5:00 with Carl and we goofed on the computer.  When the baby woke up, I changed her and dressed her.  She had breakfast and then we had a 30 minute walk.  It was really great.  The sky is overcast and there's a cool breeze.  It was still humid, but that breeze felt so good hitting my sweaty face.

So, the lesson kids is to be careful how you ask for things to happen to you.  I guess it's almost the same as being careful what you wish for because you might get it.  I think that we can have anything we truly desire, but me... I need the courage to accept how it's going to happen to me.  I've learned that the things I want sometimes come at a cost I hadn't considered. 

I'm not thankful for the swollen heart, but honestly... I wonder if my health weren't threatened... would I have been as motivated to make the changes?  Hmmm.  I'll have to think on that a while.

Drug User

I went to the doctor yesterday only to discover that I weigh more than I ever have my whole life.  I was not happy.  However, I did ask for some help because while only part of it is that I'm a lazy fat ass, the other part of it is that my hormones are getting off kilter because I'm getting older and now that I'm 40 it's not quite so easy to lose that weight.  So, with a little help from a controlled substance otherwise known as Speed, I'm now officially a drug user.  Nice eh?  I took the first one this morning and I'm supposed to log my "reaction" to it.  It's an amphetamine, so I should be bouncing off the walls soon enough.  I'll report in later.

Rites of Passage

I remember the first day I took Aubrey to school.  She cried, I cried, everyone was crying.  It's a rite of passage for parents and their kids.  With me getting ready to start my internship, I have moved into a new right of passage.  Yesterday I took Julia for her first day of Preschool.  She didn't shed a tear, didn't look back and wave, and blew no kisses.  When she saw all those other little kids, she hit the ground running.

I have to admit that I did cry.  I didn't blubber like I did on Aubrey's first day of school.  But my eyes did fill up and I fought them off.  I had Aubrey with me and told her how hard it is to see such a little girl already so independent of her mommy.  It was tough.  But I headed off to the Middle School to drop Aubrey off and band and then I headed off to the cafeteria to volunteer for the schedule pick up and registration for the new fall school year. 

All day long people kept asking me if I'd called the preschool to check up on the baby.  The only phonecall I made was to my own home phone to make sure they hadn't tried to call me.  Of course they hadn't.  And I was able to resist the urge to call all day long.  It was a hard fight for me, but in the end I was able to hold off and not call.

When your mind is on other things, it's easy to get suckered into other volunteer committments and I found myself being nominated the treasurer for the PTA.  LOL  It's a good thing I came out of my stupor before they made me the president or vice president!  I don't know ANYone at that school other than a few of my professors from college who have kids the same age as Aubrey and serve on PTA.  So yeah, I'm now treasurer.  Hopefully it won't be too bad and I don't think it will be too much of a big deal since I'm not doing Girl Scouts this year.  Let's hope so anyway.

After the volunteer time at school, Aubrey and I went to pick up Miss J who was ready to come home.  She was so happy to see us and came running at us.  Before we even said "goodbye" to anyone she was waving bye bye and blowing kisses to everyone.  A darling little boy blew her a kiss and then put his face down in his hands like the was embarrassed.  It was cute.

This morning Julia wouldn't even touch her bottle.  She kept saying "bye bye" so I grabbed her bottle and took her off to school.  They're having pancakes for breakfast... no wonder she was so ready to go.

One of those days

Apparently I'm not meant to sew.  Everything turns to crap.  Either I measure wrong or sew the wrong edges together or something stupid like that.  Frustration fest. 

Also took Aubrey to the dentist and didn't find out until AFTER her appointment that she's no longer covered by insurance.  Carl forgot to add her to the dental plan, she only has medical.  So now we have to pay out of pocket for that visit.  :(

My DARS report (showing my graduation requiements and achievements) is all fucked up as well and if something isn't fixed soon I won't graduate in December.  Isn't that lovely?  I'm gonna go cry.

Calling all mommies

Ahh the wonder that is the mind of a toddler.  For the last several mornings I have gone into Julia's room to find her completely naked.  Her pajamas have been removed (despite creative baby pins, safety pins, etc).  Her diaper is completely off (thank GOD she has stopped shredding them) and everything is wet.  She sits there shivering, but completely happy.  This is the third or fourth morning in a row that I've had to sanitize her bedding (including her pillow) in the washing machine.  She does have a mattress protector, but some days she even finds a way to pee around that.  HELP!  Have any other mommies had this problem?  How did you solve it?  I don't mind the fact that she likes to be naked, but this taking off her diaper stuff and peeing everywhere is getting annoying.  It's not that much of a problem since I'm home all day, but what about when I start working???  I won't have time to strip her bed, bathe her, throw everything in the washer, and have it dry by the time we get home from work/preschool/wherever. *sigh*  I'm too old for this shit er....pee.

Soapbox

Have you ever wondered, "Why am I here?"  I know why I'm here ... my parents had sex and I'm a result.  But I do wonder how I cam make a difference in the world.  How can I make my life more meaningful might be a better question.

All around me I read things that shock the hell out of me.  In my own hometown paper today I read a story about a teenager who showed up at the emergency room to say that she had given birth to a baby and it died.  The baby was not with her.  It was home in the back yard in a white trash bag.  The coroner's report says that the baby was born alive and took at least one breath... murder charges are pending. 

Just when I think I have seen everything... heard a story shocking enough to make me cry even though the media pours out stories like these every day... enough to desensitize anyone... I hear something worse.  LIke that teenage girl on the east coast who was starved to death by her mother because her mother was "embarrassed" to have a daughter with cerebral palsey.  The girl had maggot infested bed sores and died on a "putrid mattress," the floor "covered in feces."  I cry just thinking about this girl begging for a glass of water or something to eat.  Begging for anyone to help her.  Her father, who once had custody of her, showed no interest in taking care of her.  The mother hid her from the world, and the mother's friends lied to a grand jury about the condition of the girl.  What is wrong with people??

So, I know that I'm here for that teenage mother to tell her that there are other ways out of that responsibilty.  I'm here for that mother who is "embarrassed" by her daughter.  I'm here for any parent struggling with a relationship with their children.  But mostly I'm here to be a voice for the babies who die because someone thinks a plastic bag is a better place to be than an adoptive family.  I'm here for the sick, the disabled, the disadvantaged, and to let people like you know that I'm sick and tired of living in a country where if you are not "normal" you are tossed out like so much garbage or forgotten about and left to die in a room filled with feces.

It's my coming of age I think.  But it's good to know that I finally know what I'm here to do.

Professional Student

I've been working on all the paperwork to apply for grad school.  I can't decide which one to go to and my husband tells me that it really doesn't make that much difference to an employer which school I go to.  One of them is Texas A&M Commerce and the other University of Texas at Arlington.  If my prospective boss is a big Aggie (A&M) nut, then it's probably better that I go to A&M Commerce.  LOL  In any case, it's a LOT of paperwork and more writing than I've done my entire college carrer.

At the moment I'm working on my biograpical statement and just getting started is a pain in the ass!  I know enough not to start out with "I have always known that I want to be a social worker."  For one because I don't want the admissions committee to groan and two because I haven't always known that.  It's very difficult to explain what has drawn me to the field without sounding like a complete nut job from all the bad shit that's happened to me since I decided to quit my job and go to school full time. 

First of all there's the whole "my ex-husband killed himself" thing.   Yeah... that's a 300 pound gorilla ... it's the main thing that allowed me, or rather gave me the opportunity, to go back to school.  "How did these experiences contribute to your understanding of your own values/beliefs/etc?"  Ummmm holy crap!  How do you even put something like that experience into words?  And I can't lie about some other event that happened that led me to be a social worker, because that was pretty much it... and the biggest life changing experience of my life.  *sigh*

I'm also supposed to discuss my "personal qualifications" for social work.  Ummmm I've never worked in any paid positions where I've assisted people.  I've done limited volunteer work since I started school.  I have no idea how to address this section other than to say that my academic performance is highly rated and that I made it into the honor society for social work. 

I think I need a break.  This is tough stuff.